Its a Question Answer It.

Can a man truly obtain happiness on earth?

Imagination

“Do hear that?”

“The rain? What of it?”

 “The pitter patter, what do you think is coming?”

“More rain…all grey clouds, crappy day if you ask me. I’m going to sleep.”

 “I’ll wait.”

“Whatever.”

“Just a little bit longer….” 

The sky brightens for no more than three seconds tops. As my brother walks away I listen to the creaks in the wood and his bedroom door close. Click. The ticking of the clock, its quarter past nine. Someone left the faucet running again. It’s so loud but I still here them coming. How can you not? The pitter patter is so loud.  The color grey why is it considered so bland?  If you ask me I think it makes the world look so much more.  Probably the contrast browns, red, greens, and when the big guy upstairs flicks the lights it’s just so... Days like these are always promising. So promising in fact that you can smell it before it even comes. I think I will go outside feel its embrace and welcome whatever it is that is coming. There steps are so loud, as it should be they bring refreshing life. Show yourself please show yourself…

Crack. “Hello? I know you’re here.” Ah there he is. Hmm the pitter patter was so loud how could there be only one. I see you’re just the first and red. I hear more. It’s amazing it’s so loud the roar the vibrations orange, yellow, and green. Such beauty such freedom I see the big guy likes it too there go his lights again and what a sight it allows me to view. They circle me so free so strong. More enter the open space we call our back yard blue, indigo, violet.  They run but it’s as if their feet don’t touch the ground. So many, the pitter patters, how can one ignore this, their movements as one creates this wind that can’t be ignored. I feel what they feel as each one moves by me in harmony. And as soon as they come they stop. They line up and look at me. And as soon as they come they are gone jumping together as one across the sky. I can’t hear the pitter patter any more. But I do hear the door open.

“You’re going to get sick. Come inside.”

“You missed it! You shouldn’t have gone sleep they were here. The..”

“Ha! I could hardly sleep too much noise.  Now come inside your hair is windblown and you’re all wet. Well isn’t that a beautiful rainbow. Would like to know how they are made?”

“No thank you but I have a pretty good idea.”

I can’t wait to see you again you beautiful creatures until then enjoy your dance with someone else…

Three Months My Own Person

Or not, after three months I’m not my own person. Sure I’ve been given a bit more leeway I buy my own groceries, I come home on my own time, the money I have I spend on whatever I want for myself. But you know what after three months I don’t even know who my own person is. Everything I named off is some sort of responsibility that comes with being some form of an adult. But being responsible doesn’t make you your own person. The most irresponsible person in the world can be their own person because they know who they are what they want not giving a care in the world about a bill to pay, or how they should budget appropriately to buy food to last them the month.

Who is my own person? My own person will be revealed when I can ask my parents for advice and not permission, when I do things and not care what another person thinks. My own person will be revealed when I make up my mind and go after what I want. Three months in Saipan and you know what I’m a little better off then I was when it comes to decision making. I might maybe be a little bit more responsible.  But I wonder as I write my thoughts on paper and give you liberty to see my aspirations, what will your thoughts be when you see me in person, when you live with me.  I don’t want to be a poser so I guess I have to prove this for myself and become someone I am proud of. To do the things I believe will make me happy. And then maybe three years down the road I’ll pick my computer up and tell you who I am and how happy I am for making decisions for me.

Three Months as a Teacher

So not many people know this about me, or perhaps they do they just choose to ignore it BUT I use to be an Anime fanatic. So there was this one show called (I can’t really remember now) and it was about angel like beings who fall in love with people and like form some type of connection that can’t be broken. This connection can only be ignited with a kiss. Well of course there’s this bad guy who sets up like a fighting game where the angel like beings had to fight and “turn off” the other angels (let’s just say each angel had an off button.) And a rule was if you didn’t fight disciplinary squad would come and force you to fight and you didn’t want this to happen because the disciplinary squad was practically unbeatable. So you had to fight to keep your love. Why do I bring this story up? Well after three months working at the CDC I have become….The Disciplinary Squad (of one).

So since working here I have become the Disciplinary Squad. Every so often I come up with new ways to effectively punish my children whilst all the while spearing the rod. Lately my test subject (Richard) has been testing the waters in the bath tub. So there’s never any water in the tub when I put him in there but it seems to be the only area that he won’t leave and run around because of the boundaries the tub walls have set up. That was until today. Today he started climbing it even when I was sitting on the toilet right behind him. Today I ended up just sitting him in a comfy couch and gave him a toy airplane. Yeah yeah all you critics “that’s not punishment” sure but it kept him out of everybody’s hair for a whole 30 minutes.  But it’s been three months and I can honestly I feel I have established a role as teacher in my classroom

I just love walking into class I get a mix of kisses I love you’s and hugs! Listen to stories (on most days and when I can understand) can be enjoyable. Playing games and making arts and crafts. I can switch from friend to serious teacher now most times. I still have to repeat myself constantly but I learned eye contact works pretty good. Unfortunately I still have to listen to hundreds of complaints about this person hitting me this person is not my friend and blah blah blah but I’m not such a sap anymore so I can look at the kid and instead of picking them up and letting the wail on in my bosom I can say “your good kid, go play.”

If you remember before I had a pee situation, well I fixed it I stopped working that shift. Sadly even though I avoided that situation my bare foot and I were in for a surprise. One of my students was sitting in a corner by herself and I walked to her to figure out what was wrong because it was playtime. My mistake… I didn’t see the puddle infront of her. I stepped forward and then I was able to put two and two together. Child sitting quietly and embarrassed during play time+ plus puddle my foot was sitting in= Child has peed is embarrassed and your foot is sitting in it. I defiantly wished I wore shoes in class that day.

Overall Teaching is an interesting experience. I’ve come to love all my children and I think I will really miss them when I leave in June. So ,three months as a teacher it’s been challenging but it has also been great.

I feel mind-numbingly dumb in my heart. In my soul. In my body.

It’s like I’m always hungry and I go to the candy store always with twenty  cents, and the cheapest candy well I need about thirty pennies more.

I don’t fake my happiness, but this emptiness I can’t simply ignore.

So every day I pray a little bit more for about two things. The one I miss the most, and my body a new person it’ll host. 

Life is a journey and my mom says everyone will experience heart break once or twice in their life. So I’ll wait it out, slowly save my Lincolns .

A Girl Can Dream

I'm twirling on a ballroom floor. My dress is beautiful, flowing yellow and slightly raising as I turn under his arm. His smile is my domino effect because now I'm smiling. We sway together and everything feels right. But the music it slows and he allows me one final spin but our hands they let loose and where separated. I turn to look at him and give a little bow he acknowledges with the tip of his hat and our dance is over.

I turn away and start to make my way to a bench while I watch dancers sway to music. But its like I'm not there because there locked in each others eyes. And as they sway they bump and brush shoulders with me. But they don't notice. I wonder if this is the same for my domino effect, but I decided it's best if I don't look back. I finish my walk back to this bench I now share with solo dancers and take a seat and simply observe.

Solo dancers come and go, the music speeds up and slows. But I sit and think. I have so much time to think. This party is almost over I pick my self up and decided to make moves. I can dance on my own. And its so much fun I'm comfortable with what whatever the band throws and I twist and shimmy and make a final twirl into the arms of my domino effect who would have known at the end of this party he would have the last dance. Who knew...